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Over the past decade, I’ve made a series of new acquaintances: calm and pragmatic people who have reasonable conversations during which we weigh both sides and make a determination. No revelations that veer into the uncomfortably personal, no cries de coeur that are incandescent with self-loathing. Their apartments are landscaped with simple but sophisticated furniture from non-Ikea sources they have therapists, and refer to them casually, in passing. I find it calming to go back to my apartment at night and never once worry about their happiness or their safety. In the past few years, the people I know have begun producing babies and vanishing into wormholes of diapers, mucus, and misery. They always tell me that they wouldn’t trade their children for anything, but then in the next breath, they admit that they haven’t slept in seventeen months and their marriages are disintegrating. Parenthood, I have observed, is the practice of ultimate unconditionality.
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Unconditional sacrifice, unconditional acceptance as everything you cherished about your life falls to pieces. There is something beautiful in that, admittedly. Something that suggests a higher level of evolution. But I have used up my penchant for unconditionality. What I know is that when I imagine being responsible for a life, I think: no human can really protect any other human. You can call the cops to get your friend out of his garage, but he’ll just finish the job a month later. We’re perched at the end of a swanky bar, and Jerome is starting his second martini when he pops the question he’s been building up to all evening: namely, whether I will have a child with his husband. “Although Kevin is bisexual, as you’ll recall, if that would appeal to either of you. But we’ve been learning quite a bit about IVF, and there appear to be a multitude of ways in which your eggs and Kevin’s sperm could. interact.” He makes a gesture with both hands, like a vague handshake. I imagine-briefly, convulsively-my eggs clasping hands with Kevin’s sperm. Kevin is a former dancer his sperm would be very agile. When my silence stretches out, Jerome gets nervous. “I realize it’s something that you probably need to think about,” he adds.
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His Northern Irish accent is much softer than it was in college: lilting but with far fewer layers. In the days before Kevin, it used to make the boys go crazy.
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“You and Kevin didn’t…? You didn’t have a wee chat?” come up, so I thought perhaps you might have guessed what I wanted to talk to you about?” #Gay cum swallow down throat fullīut when Jerome is anxious, like now, the orchestral force of his full accent seeps back in. “We were wasted and I was jamming him into a cab and he said we’d have beautiful babies if we had babies. And most of the time it just means they had fun hanging out.” Which is a thing that gay men say to me frequently, these days, to be honest. We thought- I thought-specifically of you.” But if it helps to know, we haven’t just been going around wildly I can see how there would have been a misunderstanding.” After a moment: “Of course I will respect any disinclination you feel. I knew the risk but couldn't stop myself.“I’ve known you half my life now,” Jerome says. Guys my dad's age, other college students, 20 and 30 year olds, one curable STD, it's all a blur until I found my first boyfriend.
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No regrets.Īfter that encounter I received a car from my parents and went on a number of very risky hookups to Indianapolis or Bloomington for cock. This was all kinds of illegal on his part, but from my perspective, hooking up with a 21 year old college student was a dream come true. He wanted to fuck me but that was not happening. I killed the mood after he came and I admitted to being 16, but he eventually hit me up again for anther blow job at his place a week later. I think I only let one spirt go in my mouth before he finished off the rest on his chest. He had a big thick dick, lucky me! I can still remember his scent and could smell him the rest of the day after he left my house. I lied to him and the site when I claimed to be 18. My parents were away for the weekend and I desperately wanted to hookup with a guy for the first time. Hell yes I did! I was 16 and found this college guy on Adam4Adam or maybe it was Manhunt.